Just because…when the baseball season’s been this long, and this bad, you mind begins to wander. The order of things aside from balls and strikes, fair and foul. A lot of this is really “foul”. Read, smile…and don’t take life so seriously.
There was a song a while back (OK, a long while back) by The Bells called, ‘Stay Awhile,’ and part of the lyrics was, “How he makes me quiver.” There are a lot of things in this world that make me quiver, with a dose of anger mixed in like raw onions in my Honey-Nut Cheerios. Some of them are:
— When the Cincinnati Reds bullpen gate swings open and any pitcher other than Michael Lorenzen or Raisel Iglesias ambles toward the mound. They remind me of somebody trotting to the gallows.
— When people put the ‘t’ in often. It is pronounced offen, not of-ten. But I hear it used incorrectly more than I hear it used properly. I hear it from TV talking heads and commentators all the time. It is like pronouncing soften with the ‘t.’ We all know it isn’t sof-ten. It’s soffen. And it isn’t off-ten.
— When baseball managers ask for a replay-review, even when they know the umpire got it right. The managers probably think they might get it wrong in New York and overturn the correct call. Oh, yeah, it has happened. They worst thing they can do during a baseball game is to hand the umpires a head-set.
— When you order your salad dressing in a restaurant and they bring it on the side in a thimble-size plastic container that looks as if somebody used it to take their meds. Just bring me the damned bottle, OK?
— When a football team kicks a 55-yard field goal in the dying seconds to win a game. I really dislike field goals. They are like a designated hitter in baseball. Some undersized chemistry student who is never on the field except to kick runs onto the field and decides a game with his foot. If I want to watch soccer I’ll become a fan of Manchester United.
— When my wife, Nadine, and I take our car in for an oil change and they tell us our sparkling new car needs an air filter, a set of spark plugs, windshield wipers, a fan belt, brake fluid, a left turn signal bulb, a gas cap and three new tires (the right rear is fine).
— When you are watching ‘The Big Game’ and right about the time the biggest play of the game is about to unfold the local station interrupts with a weather advisory: “Folks, it might rain hard, a wind might blow hard, there are dark clouds overhead and there is a .0001 per cent of a tsunami roaring through your neighborhood. Take cover immediately.” When they return to the network event the game-winning score has already happened and so has the five replays. If I want the weather, I’ll turn to The Weather Channel.
— When a TV medicine commercial tells us that possible side effects include, “Warts, hardening of the arteries, closing of the esophagus, paralysis of the legs, loss of hair, blindness in one or both eyes, lung collapse and, oh yeah, possible death.” I’ll take my chances with a runny nose, thank you.
— When an athlete hits a home run or scores a touchdown, he points to the heavens and thanks The Almighty. Does he think God hates the opposing pitcher or the defensive back who permitted the even to happen? As we old-schoolers like to say, “Act as if you’ve hit a home run before or scored a touchdown before.” God doesn’t care who wins and He certainly didn’t like that dirty slide you performed in the fifth inning or that face mask you grabbed in the second quarter.
— When I read these names: Tim Couch, Ty Detmer, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, Doug Pederson, Spergon Wynn, Luke McCown, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Ken Dorsey, Brady Quinn, Bruce Gradkowski, Colt McCoy, Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, Brandon Weeden, Thaddeus Lewis, Jason Campbell, Brian Hoyer, Johnny Manzel, Connor Shaw, Josh McCown. Those are the 23 quarterbacks who have started games for my Beloved Browns since 1999. Spergon Wynn? Thaddeus Lewis? Are you kidding me? And when Austin Davis starts Sunday it will be 24. Otto Graham has to be throwing incomplete passes in his grave.